you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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