I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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