Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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