omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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