just come out here and I will go home with you...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i've created a new STD.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
