I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
