He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
