can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
last night I used snow as a chaser
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
