I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
