This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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