Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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