I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
