Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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