Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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