Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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