You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
