my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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