just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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