Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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