Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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