My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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