My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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