i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
