DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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