if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
