You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
