Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
