Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
