he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
