Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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