So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
