fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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