Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm bleeding and have questions
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
