babies were throwing up all over the place
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
