Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
