I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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