She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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