I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
