i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
tequila makes me forget i have legs
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
