i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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