just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
