Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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