Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
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my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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