Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
