is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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