WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
