Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
