I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
