Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
