I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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