I wish my penis had an off switch
...so i touched it.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Semen is not good for contacts.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
