it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
