omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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