she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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