His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
