Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
