wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
