Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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