From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The adults are the big ones right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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