Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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