I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
FUCK WHALES
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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